Communicating on the Farm

Communication requires at least two people. It is the responsibility of both the sender and the receiver. Some characteristics of effective communication are discussed below. Think about and use each to the extent it can help you improve communication in your family business.

• Articulation. This requires that you focus on the issue and say what you intend to say using the words that you intend. Don't rely on others to "know what you mean."

• Active listening. Listen for the meaning and feeling behind the words of the sender. Repeat to the sender what you have understood him/her to say. Make sure you understand the real message.

• Sharing. Communication is a sharing activity and requires both talking and listening from all those involved.

• Respect. Respect for one another and acceptance of differing viewpoints facilitates sharing.

• Honesty. Communicating what we really feel is important. Denying your feelings and keeping them bottled up can lead to resentment, lack of trust and a breakdown of communication.

• Ego out. When communicating about a problem, it is best to focus on the "what" of the problem and not "who is presenting the idea".

Who has responsibility for communication? Both the sender and the receiver. Watch for the barriers to communication. We often develop habits that prevent good communication from happening. Do you routinely use any of the following barriers to effective communication? If you do, is it worth changing to improve communication in your family?

• Failing to listen. You do not stop what you are doing and thinking to listen without other preoccupations. At a minimum, wait until the other person is done talking before responding.

• Listening only with your ears. Are you hearing the emotions behind the words (fear, anger, unhappiness, joy, hopefulness)?

• Jumping to conclusions. You decide what your answer is going to be before the person has finished speaking. You think you know what is going to be said before it is said.

• Closing your mind. You are not open to new ideas or thoughts. Your ideas and thoughts are the best. Your mind is made up.

• Being self-centered. You start to listen, but something that is said starts you thinking about something else and you do not hear the rest of what the person has to say.

• Judging, criticizing and preaching. You prejudge based upon what a person says, how he/she is dressed or his/her approach. This judgment often causes a response that is critical and preachy and certainly doesn't help the "two-way" process any.

When someone starts to talk to you, stop what you are doing and thinking. Face the person and devote your whole attention to what is being said and how he/she is saying it. While the person is talking, do not think about your answer or response. Listen until the person is finished, and then decide what you are going to say. When the person is finished talking, it may help to paraphrase back to the person what he/she said to you. If you heard right, then respond to that statement or question. Do not criticize, pass judgment or preach. If you hear an idea that you do not like or have not heard before, explore it with the person before deciding on its value.

Sometimes, it is best not to communicate. Parental advice is motivated by excellent intentions. Parents do not want to see their children repeat parental mistakes. If responsibility has been delegated to an adult, he/she will look after it the best way possible or suffer the consequences. One of the best aids to family harmony, and one of the hardest to acquire, is a firmly closed mouth. It helps to remind the parents that it is more important in the long run to maintain cordial relations than it is to get a few more bushels per acre. This can improve long-run profits too, not just family harmony.

Listen actively and passively. Listening to another person is a skill that is often practiced with good intentions but with poor results. Here are guidelines for improving listening skills on all matters, but most critically on the important issues.

1. Setting the Scene

Setting the scene involves choosing the best time and place for listening. Considerations should include:
• Enough time. Don't be rushed in the process, this signals to the other person that what he/she is talking about is unimportant to you.

• Comfortable "turf" for both the speaker and listener. Pick a location that is neutral to each person (like a public place or outside). Try to avoid pressure points like at the job site or in the farm office.

• No interruptions (phone, kids, other people, etc.).

Body language has big impact in face-to-face communications. Body language that shows the listener is interested includes:
• Good eye contact. Generally speaking, maintain eye contact as much as possible. Don't convey negative reactions by gazing off or day dreaming.

• Body positioning. A relaxed posture slightly leaning toward the other person is usually most effective. Don't fold your arms across the chest. This is often perceived as a defensive or "closed" body posture. Instead of folding your arms, place them comfortably on the armrest of the chair or rest them in your lap.

• Nodding and facial expressions have great impact on the person being listened to. If you are unsure about the impact of your facial expression, or receive feedback that you look angry, bored, happy, etc., when you are not, try to casually reposition yourself.

• Encouraging words. These run from door openers ("Can you tell me about it?" "If you feel like talking, I'd like to hear about it" "Would you like to talk?", etc. ) to "encouraging grunts" (Oh?! Really? Ah, Of course and so forth). These are to let the person know you are listening without breaking the flow of conversation.

• Silence. Silence can be a powerful way of encouraging someone to talk. It is common that people have a hard time dealing with silence. They want to say something to fill the void. A comfortable silence will often encourage the speaker to talk if the listener hasn't jumped in to say something for the purpose of filling the silence.

3. Active Listening Skills

Active listening is the process of reflecting back what the other person said to check out your understanding. It is a process of restating what you heard in the words and feelings of the speaker.

Active listening always involves reflecting back some of the communication received, either the facts, the feelings or both. An active listening response might sound like: "You seem to be feeling (feeling word) about (situation)."

When you are actively listening, you reflect and summarize:

• Reflect: Try to identify the feeling without either overstating or understating it. Don't worry too much, though, because if you miscalculate the intensity of the feeling, the speaker will almost always correct you.

• Summarize: At the end of a lengthy explanation or discourse, it is often helpful for the listener to "sum up" the gist of what the speaker has just said. Doing this helps family members focus on what has just been said and check their understanding of the message.

  You can use these tips in your everyday conversations to help others, even non-family employees. People will come to you with their ideas and frustrations because they know that you listen to them. It will help you stay in the loop of information on your farm and improve everyone's dedication to your farm goals and mission. However, you must understand these suggestions need to be tailored to your own usual "style" so that they don't seem contrived or fake.

One of the best ways to improve communication skills is with regular family meetings. These meetings can be focused on setting goals, business decision making, strategic planning or estate transfer issues. Regardless of the purpose of these meetings, good communication methods will improve the effectiveness of the meeting, and more importantly, the success of whatever is being planned or discussed. Everyone will have a stake in the results if they feel that they played a valuable role in the decision process.

Family meetings are a time set aside to promote meaningful communication and to provide for family discussion, decision making, problem solving, encouragement and cooperation. Family meetings can be structured and rather formal or flexible and informal. At family meetings, everyone has a part and something to contribute. No one is less important than another, and family members contribute according to their age and ability.

All families can benefit from family meetings, whether they are stepfamilies, dual-career, single-parent, intergenerational or traditional. Family meetings are an excellent way to practice problem-solving skills, promote communication and build family unity. There is no other activity that you can do on your farm that can lead to as much family unity and business profits as regular well-directed family meetings. When a particular plan is discussed and mutually agreed on in a family meeting, everyone, even the youngest child, feels a sense of "ownership" and, thus, is more likely to go along with the plan and see to its success. Also, children are able to see their family working together as a group.

Regularly scheduled meetings might deal with daily decisions, such as who will drive the kids to sports practice or how chores are to be distributed. A one-time meeting might be called for a specific purpose, like planning a vacation, holiday party or family project, solving a problem, such as how to make Grandma's moving in more comfortable for everyone, or clearing the air after a crisis or squabble.

The process is easier to initiate if meetings begin when children are young (8 to 10 years old). Teens and school-age children tend to be more negative about new activities. There may be negative reactions and resistance at first, but most children come to value the process once they understand it's a time to air concerns, discuss possible solutions and share positive moments. Simply make a decision to start, have a plan of action for what will be said or done, pick a date and go for it! Your first family meeting may not be as smooth as you may like it to be, but they will improve. As they say, "You have to crawl before you walk."

Start to think about your current family communication patterns. If you're comfortable sharing feelings and have an open communication style, you may be able to begin family meetings with more structure. You may want to establish a specific routine, such as:

1. Open with each member stating one positive thing they have appreciated about each member since the last meeting.

2. Ask for subjects of concern or issues for discussion. Create a list and discuss each one at a time.

3. Close by planning a family event for the week!

Some families will be more comfortable with less structure. Meetings may be called at any time, incorporated into driving time when schedules are tight, or following a family meal. Informal meetings allow issues to be dealt with as they arise. If your children are older, and you're new to this process, try starting more informally:

1. A problem is identified during a long drive. You ask everyone to relax and treat this issue as a problem everyone can help solve.

2. Ask each member to share his/her concerns and a possible solution. (At this point no one else can comment or judge another family member's ideas or solutions.)

3. After everyone has contributed, work together to find a solution that works for everyone. It is likely some combination of ideas rather than one person's sole idea may work best.

4. Conclude by explaining that they just successfully completed their first family meeting! Decide how the family might continue to use this process in the future.

Use the following guidelines for effective family meetings:

Use your communication skills. Listen with sensitivity, speak with respect for feelings and never use put-downs.

Evaluate decisions at the next meeting. Don't use family meetings to attempt to solve one person's problems. Meetings are not therapy sessions. They are family and business planning sessions. Use the meeting to share. Remember, take these suggestions and apply them in your own style. If you think about the families you know that "get along", they probably use many of these ideas without, perhaps, even realizing it.

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